


Feast and Famine

by jenny_of_oldstones



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-08-31 23:30:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20248447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenny_of_oldstones/pseuds/jenny_of_oldstones
Summary: Javik wants to eat Shepard's hamster.





	Feast and Famine

“Commander.”

Shepard looked up from her datapad. She was seated alone at a table in the mess hall, a cup of aromatic stimulant steaming in her hand.

“Javik,” she said. “Everything all right?”

“Everything is all right,” said Javik. “I have a question.”

“Yes?” 

“Where did you get that?” Javik pointed at the rodent that was currently stuffing its cheeks full of salted seeds on the table. 

“A pet store,” said Shepard. The Commander had a slow, drawling way of speaking that masked just how keen she was. “Why are you interested in my hamster, Javik?”

“I was merely curious,” said Javik. “I was not aware humans allowed vermin on their warships.”

Shepard studied him. “Is that all?”

“Yes,” said Javik, meeting her two eyes with his four. “That is all.”

Shepard scratched the hamster behind its ear. “Okay, then.”

* * *

Javik was going mad.

It was not enough that he was forced to subsist on what the humans ironically called "food." It was not enough that every time he put a ramen packet in the Normandy microwave he was reminded that he would never again taste Prothean cuisine.

No, the worst indignity came from discovering that his people's most prized delicacy was now a common household pet.

It was an irony lost on everyone except him. Javik had grown up in the last days of the Reaper War, where no contraband was more coveted on the black market than hamster flesh. It was delicious, narcotic, reducing even the most hardened warriors to sighing ecstasy. Javik had only sampled it twice in his life, and he counted both times among his happiest memories. Often, he would lay awake in the trenches beside his fellow soldiers, dreaming of spiced hamster sauce, braised hamster on a spit, and the forbidden frozen hamster pops.

How hamsters had been transplanted to Earth, he could not guess. Perhaps some desperate Prothean connoisseur had laid the genetic groundwork for their evolution millennia ago. He might have been able to put the entire matter out of mind, if not for the fact that there was a hamster on the ship.

Commander Shepard was a confusing woman. She was harsh and precise, and was shown the utmost respect by her crew. She also carried her pet hamster around the ship on her shoulders.

Javik had salivated the first time he saw it. The second time his heart had palpitated.

The third time, he resolved to get his own hamster, hence asking Shepard the question.

He had assumed that, sooner or later, the Normandy would dock in a port with a human pet store—somewhere he could buy hamsters in bulk. Most of the home worlds were in chaos, but surely there was an asteroid or a black-market moon that could accommodate his needs. All for nothing. The Normandy had zipped from war zone to war zone, stopping only to fuel at the most sterile of stations, while the extranet failed to produce a dealer willing to cross the galaxy to deliver him a small, furry morsel.

He had been thrilled when at last the Normandy returned to the Citadel. There was a pet store there, one stocked with dozens of hamsters, according to their extranet page. Javik had been ready, he had a small bank account of credits. He was going to have a feast.

And then Cerberus had blown the pet store and its entire ward to pieces. Javik had desperately posted an ad on the extranet begging for some human child to give up their pet for the war effort, but it was flagged as inappropriate by a moderator, and by then the Normandy was departing.

Now they were on their way to the Quarian home world, and Javik couldn’t stand it anymore. The days passed in torment. If he was going to die fighting against the Reapers, then the humans had no right to keep his people's food from him. It was his birthright.

There was only one recourse.

* * *

He waited until the Normandy underwent mandatory maintenance. During this period, the Commander would oversee diagnostics on the mass effect core, and the ship’s AI would be disconnected from certain surveillance functions, including the tracking of crew members in the elevator and upper decks. 

He waited until he had visual confirmation that Shepard was in the engine room. She passed him in the mess hall, blowing a bubble of pink confectionary tape as she read a data pad. 

“Javik,” she said.

“Commander.”

He watched her enter the elevator and press the down button. He waited two minutes, then called the elevator to take him to the Captain's Deck.

Diagnostics rarely took longer than a quarter of an hour. He forced himself to take a brief moment of meditation before stepping out of the elevator into the hall.

Javik waved his omnitool and fried the door’s security firewall with a virus of his own design. The manual lock popped and he stepped inside the Commander's quarters. He was taken aback by how lavish they were. A fish tank ran along the entire left wall, and an enormous bed took up much of the floor space. A Prothean commander would be executed by their own squad for hoarding such luxury. He wondered if the Alliance was aware of how many credits the Commander allotted each month to tropical fish and toy models. 

The smell of dander wafted up his nose. 

He followed the scent to a tank on a shelf. He could smell the wood chips soaked with urine and tiny clusters of droppings. He lifted the lid and peered inside. There was a glittery castle and a half-eaten carrot, but no hamster.

“Where is it!” Javik slammed his fists on the table. He cradled his head, feeling himself teetering toward a breaking point.

Something thunked behind him.

Javik spun around. A bright pink ball rolled across the floor.

He chased after the ball and picked it up with his talons. The hamster scrambled around inside, sliding down its curved surface.

“Yes.” 

He unscrewed the lid. The hamster sat up on its paws. Javik grabbed it around its fat middle and lifted it from the ball, setting the container aside. Drool was running over his lips. He could already taste its silky, salty blood.

“Life is bitterness. Accept it.” He lifted the hamster to his mouth.

The elevator door whooshed open. Javik froze.

The Commander was back early.

He dove into the open closet. A second later the bedroom door beeped, and two sets of boots pounded in.

“You have a _fish tank?”_

That was the human called Major Alenko.

“Why don’t you take a closer look?” Shepard’s voice was husky. Something slammed against the glass wall of the fishtank, causing the panels of the closet to shudder, and a wave of pheromones filled the room.

Ah. The humans were fornicating.

It made sense. Alenko's pupils dilated every time the Commander entered the room, and Shepard was no better, despite the fact that the Major had pointed a gun at her during the Cerberus attacks on the Citadel. Her estrogen levels were gag-inducing whenever she was in his presence. 

Clearly, there was history there. Not history that Javik cared about, as his concern was relegated to the squirming hamster in his hand. Buckles were being unfastened. Clothes rustled. The Commander’s voice sounded artificially high and breathy, no doubt to compensate for the underperformance of her unimpressive male partner.

“I missed you,” she gasped.

“_Shepard_.”

Their feet padded to the bathroom. The door hissed open and closed. A second later, the shower came on.

Javik quietly stepped out of the closet. He forced himself to take a step forward, then another.

He was halfway across the room when the bathroom door opened.

Javik froze in midstride. The door to the bathroom closed.

He stood there, one foot in the air, waiting. The bathroom door opened again.

The Commander was up against the wall of the shower. Her eyes were closed, her mouth open, and her hand was blindly slapping the door panel over and over. Javik caught a glimpse of Alenko’s soapy buttocks before the door wooshed shut again.

A few seconds passed. Slowly, Javik put his foot down.

“Bed,” Shepard gasped. “I want you in bed.”

Damn them. Javik dove under the desk.

Shepard and the Major burst out of the shower. Javik heard the bed whomp. They were soon at it again, this time with a great deal more wet slapping.

“Oh, baby,” groaned Shepard.

“Oh, baby, let’s make a baby,” groaned Alenko back.

Javik rolled his eyes. If he went for the door, there was a high probability that Shepard would hear it open. If she was sufficiently distracted, however, he might have a chance. Either way, he needed to leave before the two of them finished and it became impossible to ignore the Prothean in the room.

Javik slowly crawled out from under the desk. He kept on all fours, cradling the hamster in his balled fist. He would have to pass right through the Commander’s line of sight.

_Do not rush. To be invisible, you must move like a shadow. Do not look back._

Javik moved slowly toward the door. The slapping grew faster and faster behind him. He was right under the door’s motion sensors.

The door beeped open. Javik tensed, but the Commander was wailing on the bed. He quickly crawled out, all the way to the elevator, and pushed the down button.

He let out a long breath. It seemed impossible that he had survived that.

Btu he had his prize. The hamster blinked at him with its big black eyes. Its pudgy cheeks were puffed out, its little pink nose wriggling.

“Your life was wasted in your terrarium,” said Javik. “This way is more honorable.”

* * *

The elevator door opened. Javik tucked the hamster into his fist and walked with deliberate slowness toward his room.

“Hey, Javik.”

Javik stiffened. The fatuous human known as James was approaching him. He was eating a disgusting melted sandwich of what the humans called “cheese.” “What’s up?”

“Nothing is up,” said Javik. He stared at James with all his eyes. He found that it often made humans uncomfortable.

“That’s cool. You had lunch yet?”

“No.”

“Wanna come sit and eat with me?”

“Is that not your lunch in your hand?”

“This?” James waved the sandwich. “This is a snack. I need some big boy calories before I do reps.”

Javik said nothing. He curled the corners of his mouth down in what he had read was a human threat display. James bit into his sandwich with a smack.

“Hey, what do Protheans eat, anyhow? I’ve never seen you in the mess hall.”

“We subsist on airborne spores, which we inhale through our highly porous skin.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” said Javik.

James nodded, the two neurons in his brain no doubt sending smoke signals to each other.

“Does that mean like, if you go into the restroom and breathe in the air, you’re eating fecal matter?”

Javik was about to answer, when EDI came over the intercom.

“Diagnostists and repairs are completed. All service functions are now returned to their regular processes.”

“Sweet, that means the coffee machine’s back on,” said James. He patted Javik on the shoulder. “See you around, man.”

“See you around,” said Javik.

Javik walked quickly to his room, avoiding all eye contact. The door beeped shut behind him, and he let out a breath.

Setting the hamster on his desk, he considered how to prepare it. The swiftest option would be to chop its head off, skin it, and then cook its flesh over an ion torch. He could also make it into a redolent stew, or stuff it with lemons and other fragrant spices. He regretted deeply that there were no Prothean spices on the ship; so many of the dishes of his youth had been prepared with bungi spores, jakera mold, and papira capsules. Human pepper was dull by comparison.

No, better to roast it.

Javik grabbed his knife from under his bed. He held the hamster down and positioned the knife above its neck.

“Javik,” said EDI over the intercom.

“Yes?” he said.

“I am detecting an additional lifeform in your quarters,” said EDI. “My sensors were down during maintenance, so this might be a glitch.”

“Yes, that is likely so.”

“However, I do not believe it to be a glitch, because an identical lifeform is missing from its usual habitat in the Commander’s quarters.”

“How unusual.”

“I have reported this discrepancy to the Commander.”

“As per your function.”

“She is outside your door.”

Javik’s heart jumped. He raised his eyes just as the bedroom door beeped open.

Shepard marched into the room, flanked by Major Alenko and Liara T'soni. The Commander was back in her starched naval uniform and was carrying a stun gun in her hand.

“Back away from the hamster, asshole,” said Shepard.

Javik considered his options. If he killed the hamster now, the Commander would have less reason to not let him eat it.

“I believe there has been a misunderstanding,” said Javik.

“You’ve got five seconds to put the knife down before I have you dragged to the brig,” said Shepard.

“I need hamster flesh to survive,” said Javik.

“He’s lying,” said Liara. “Hamsters were a Prothean delicacy, but not essential to their diets.”

“She is an incompetent scientist, do not believe her,” said Javik.

“C’mon, man,” said Alenko. “This is ridiculous.”

“It is one rodent,” said Javik. “You are ridiculous.”

“Mother. Fucker.” Shepard raised her pistol. “These are concussive rounds, and I’m betting I can take out one of your eyes.”

Javik hesitated. The knife was still poised over the hamster’s neck. A crowd of onlookers had gathered outside his door. 

“Very well,” said Javik. He set the knife down. “I will cooperate—”

Shepard lowered her pistol half an inch.

“—in hell.” Javik popped the hamster in his mouth and swallowed.

* * *

“So, you really ate the Commander’s hamster?” asked James.

“Yes,” said Javik.

“Wow. And then what?”

“And then I was hit with a concussive round that caused me to vomit,” said Javik. The bench in the brig was icy cold. James was speaking to him through the glass wall.

“Dude, you got lucky. Shepard has like, outfits for that hamster. She throws it parties. You’re lucky she didn’t space you.”

“It was….a cultural misunderstanding,” said Javik.

Once Javik had been medicated for his injuries, some of his senses had returned. Swallowing a writhing, furry hamster had been unpleasant, and had nearly choked him. As much as he missed the succulent hamster flesh of his youth, the reality of breaking into the Commander's quarters, stealing her pet, and then forcibly trying to swallow it whole had been, he supposed, slightly insane.

“So, how long are you in for?” asked James.

“Three days,” said Javik. “With probation.”

James whistled. “Well, good luck, man. Do you want me to bring you anything from the kitchen?”

Javik’s stomach churned. The thought of human food made him ill. “No thank you.”

“Because I can. I make a mean grilled cheese.”

Javik shut his eyes and sighed. “Very well.”

James left him there. As the door opened, James froze. Commander Shepard was standing outside. He gave her a quick salute.

“Uh, Commander.”

“At ease.” Shepard walked past him into the brig. She was holding the hamster in her hand. 

“I’ll wait,” said Shepard.

The brig was cold and quiet. The only sound was the hum of the ship’s motion dampeners and air filtration.

“I….apologize,” said Javik. “For attempting to devour your pet.”

“His name is Teddy,” said Shepard.

“Teddy. Yes. I am sorry for attempting to devour Teddy.”

“He’s been upset these last few nights,” said Shepard, gently petting the hamster with a finger. “I think he has hamster PTSD.”

“That is….unfortunate.”

“Is hamster meat really that amazing for you?”

“You have no idea.” Javik took a breath. “It is like catnip to us, as you humans would say. It drives us mad with serotonin-induced frenzy. I was not myself whenever I smelled it. Still, I was sane enough to be responsible for my actions.”

“At least you can admit it,” said Shepard. “I was really worried that you’d lost your mind.”

“For a time, I did.”

“And now?”

“And now I believe I will be able to control myself.”

Shepard placed her palm on the security reader. The glass wall slid aside. She stepped into the cold cell and held out the hamster.

“Prove it.”

Javik blinked up at her.

“I need to know that a member of my crew isn’t compromised.”

Javik swallowed. He reached out and took the hamster into his hand, aware of the way the Commander’s eyes bored into him. He held it in his palm, scratching it under its chin. The hamster closed its eyes, evidently pleased.

Inside, Javik felt the hunger rise up in him, though weaker than before. It was tempered by the memory of embarrassing himself in front of the entire crew.

“Well done,” said Shepard. She took the hamster back and placed it on her shoulder. “For breaking into my quarters, you'll still have to serve out the rest of your sentence. Afterwards, I’ll file this matter as closed.”

“Thank you, Commander,” said Javik.

“But just know,” said Shepard, leaning close. “You ever threaten my hamster again, and I will put you out into space.”

“Understood.”

She pulled a tiny hat out of her pocket. Pulling the drawstring wide, she slid the hat onto the hamster’s head. “It’s a sombrero,” she said. “Today is Cinco de Mayo.”

“I….yes.”

“Enjoy the rest of your stay, Javik,” she said, and walked out.

Javik let out a breath. He had passed the test. He supposed the meals of his past were truly gone forever. He would need to adjust to this new world, if he was going to suffer in it.

“Hey.” James came back in. He was carrying a plate stacked with cheese wraps. “Hope you like beans.”

Javik loathed beans. But, he supposed, he could endure.

At least until the pet store on the Citadel reopened.


End file.
